The self-indulgent birthday special

This week: I am as old as the hills, so here is some unfocused rage about London’s stupid station names.

The sales pitch preamble (don’t worry, there’s actual content below)

It’s my birthday. I won’t tell you how old I am, because of the misplaced belief that if I don’t write it down it won’t actually be real. Obviously I’m very excited about my special birthday fiscal crisis, and am hoping if I’m a very good boy I might get a new Prime Minister later. 

Anyway, you are of course feeling terrible that you haven’t got me a present. But don’t despair! Here are some things you can do. 

• Buy one of my books.

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…but of course times are tough. If you can’t currently justify paying for some nerd’s substack (unemployed, underemployed, impoverished student, and so forth), just hit reply and I’ll give you a complimentary subscription, no questions asked. Honestly, it sounds like a trick, but it isn’t, I am literally giving it away. 

(I will probably not send you a free book.)

That’s enough selling. As a special birthday treat to myself, here is probably the most self-indulgent article from the Newsletter’s archive: pure, unfiltered irritation about London station names. Don’t worry, if you find this sort of thing irritating, it isn’t all like that. 

But also don’t worry if you like it, because sometimes it is.

Some unfocused rage about London’s stupid station names 

There are, by my count, 74 stations in Transport for London’s central zone 1. How many of them irrationally annoy me? Let’s find out.

Mansion House

First up, the one that got me thinking about all this. 

A few days ago, as we passed the station in question, someone asked me, “Actually, what is the Mansion House?” Conveniently enough, a few moments later I was able to actually point it out: it’s the official residence of the Lord Mayor of London, just across the road from the Bank of England. 

However: the reason I was able to point it out some time after passing Mansion House tube station is that it’s not actually near Mansion House tube station, it’s 300 metres away up Queen Victoria Street. If you ever wanted to visit the Mansion House – for, I dunno, banqueting purposes of something; although would you even go to a banquet by tube? – you’d be better off using Bank station. Or Cannon Street. Or Monument. Mansion House is the fourth closest station to the Mansion House, and only the third closest station to it on the line it’s actually on.

Sticking with this theme:

Lancaster Gate

Named after Hyde Park’s Lancaster Gate. Actually next to Hyde Park’s Marlborough Gate. Also closer to Westbourne Gate. And Victoria Gate. 

How the hell do you manage to name a station after its fourth closest example of a thing? Has Hyde Park sprouted a load more gates in the last 122 years, or did they just not bother to look at the map, or what?

Bond Street

So, the annoying thing about this one is: there isn’t actually a Bond Street. There’s an Old Bond Street and a New Bond Street, and the latter ends not far from Bond Street station. But if we’re going to insist on naming stations after streets, which we shouldn’t, this one should probably be Davies Street.

If you want to know why I object to naming stations after roads, consider this:

Tottenham Court Road

There are three stations on Tottenham Court Road. The one named after that thoroughfare is at its southernmost point, meaning that for something like three-quarters of its length the closest station is not the one that shares its name. 

This may have made sense when the Central London Railway named its stations after major features its line was crossing, but it’s deeply silly that the Charing Cross, Euston & Hampstead line people didn’t kick up a stink when they changed the name of their Oxford Street station, named on the same basis, to Tottenham Court Road, in 1908 when the interchange with the Central line opened. (Incidentally, they changed the name of their Tottenham Court Road station to Goodge Street at the same time). Things are going to get even sillier once Crossrail opens, and there’s a Tottenham Court Road station on Dean Street, over 250m from any point on Tottenham Court Road and more than 1km from some bits of it. 

So, to sum up, naming stations after streets might make sense in New York, where you’ve got routes called things like the Sixth Avenue line which cross streets in a predictable order; it’s of no use whatsoever with the messier geography of London, whose street plan looks like a spider’s web, constructed by a spider who’s absolutely off its tits.

Moving on:

Battersea Power Station

It is objectively hilarious, in a manner that makes me suspect it’s deliberate, that London now has a Battersea Power Station station. It is even more hilarious that Google Maps has not realised this and marks it on the map simply as “Battersea Power”. 

It’s at least mildly annoying that this doesn’t connect to either of the two National Rail stations within walking distance, and indeed that this obviously non-central London destination is in zone 1 at all, but we are where we are. Incidentally, Battersea Power Station now ties with King’s Cross St Pancras for the longest zone one tube station name, at 23 characters each. St Pancras International is slightly longer, at 24. Don’t say I never teach you anything.

Edgware Road(s)

Okay, so not only is Edgware Road a) easily confused with Edgware by anyone used to American subway naming conventions, and b) 10 miles long, thus rendering it basically useless as a geographical identifier: it is also very clear two separate stations (one Bakerloo, one Circle/H&C/District), on either side of a big scary motorway thing. 

There used to be two Shepherd’s Bush stations too. You know what happened? They renamed one of them. Come on TfL, this is not beyond you. 

Bank

Hilariously non-specific, since there almost certainly more banks in London than there are stations. Of course it’s actually called that because it’s the bank, the Bank of England, and it does mean the shortest name on the entire network – the only shorter station name I’ve ever come across anywhere is Sol, in Madrid; please do write in with others – so I’m willing to give it a pass.

Euston

This is one I’m not so much annoyed as amused by. 

Euston station is named for Euston in Suffolk, approximately 70 miles away. So how did that name end up attached to a station in north central London, from which trains depart to the West Midlands, North West, North Wales and Scotland but definitely not Suffolk? Because the land it was built on was owned by the Dukes of Grafton, whose ancestral home was Euston Hall. 

Britain is a sickness. 

Euston Square

If there was ever a square here, there bloody isn’t one now, is there? There’s just a bus station with some scrubby grass. You know what they should call this? Euston Circle. Geddit? 

Oh, god.

Regent’s Park

By this point in the piece you should be able to see where I’m going with this, but: there are at least four stations convenient for Regent’s Park, and possibly more if you start counting slightly more distant ones like Mornington Crescent. This is the wrong station for much of the park, which is deeply irritating. 

What is even more annoying is that its position on the tube map suggests it’s somewhere just north of Oxford Street, thus giving an incredibly inaccurate sense of where Regent’s Park actually is. It’s not even the only Bakerloo line station convenient for Regent’s Park! For most of the best bits you’re best off going to Baker Street! What is wrong with this town??

Goodge Street

Also annoying. See above. I’ve always wanted them to rename it Fitzrovia. Then again, if they did that, the parallel universe me would be whining that it’s just one of six tube stations on the edge of Fitzrovia, so why does this one get the name, etc, etc. 

Maybe this station naming lark is harder than I’d thought.

Liverpool Street

Another street station, which irritates me, but fine, we’re probably stuck with it. Y’know, we could have called it Bishopsgate, that’d be a nicer name wouldn’t it, and less likely to confuse American tourists trying to go to John Lennon’s house, but Liverpool Street is basically okay. 

Except! Soon there’ll be a Liverpool Street station on the Elizabeth line, connecting to both Liverpool Street and Moorgate. Why will it be called Liverpool Street, if it connects to a whole different station, too? Why can we not do as the Parisians do, and find entirely new names for our answer to RER-style stations, thus adding both colour and clarity to the map? Because we suck, that’s why. 

Anyway, the new station should obviously have been called Broadgate, after the development above it and as a call back to Broad Street station on whose site it stands.

And finally:

Farringdon

Another double-ended Crossrail station, linking both Farringdon and Barbican, which should obviously actually be called Smithfield. 

Actually, though, there’s something far weirder about this station. There are two wards of the city of London named Farringdon, Farringdon Within and Farringdon Without, the in/out bit being a reference to which side of the city’s ancient walls they fall on. Farringdon station is in neither of them. Actually, it’s outside the city altogether, and its name isn’t a reference to the historic district of Farringdon at all.

So how did it get that name? It was originally named Farringdon Street, which like the wards was probably named for the de Faringdon family who provided lord mayors/aldermen/landowners/general bigwigs for this part of town in the 13th and 14th centuries. The fact we call the area around the station – historically, southern Clerkenwell – Farringdon now is a back-formation from the name of the station. 

Isn’t London’s history fascinating? And also really annoying?

There are more. God knows there are more. But that’s enough for now. 

I quite like Elephant & Castle.